Wednesday, August 10, 2011

3 Months

The last few days have been hard. I don't know if there is a particular reason or not. They just have been. Our church festival was this weekend, and it's always a busy time, but with Steven and I taking on some responsibilities that we never have before it made it even more challenging. We were sitting in Mass Saturday evening and I found my eyes welling up every time a mommy passed by our row with a new baby. I ran into friends at the festival with teeny tiny ones, or who are pregnant and expecting babies in a few months, and something in me hurt. Then I looked at the calender and realized we've hit the three month mark. It's been three months since we lost our little angel. Three months since they were born into heaven, and for the first time in a while I really felt the loss all over again. I would be 6 months. I'd have the baby bump. I'd be looking all cute in my maternity capris and big chunky jewelry, cause that's always fun when you're pregnant. I'd be posing for those belly shot pictures, and planning where baby was going to sleep. And instead, I'm watching friends do those things and it makes it feel even more real what I'm not doing. I realize that everything happens for a reason, and that God had a plan for this little one that I will never understand in this life. But right now, I wish things had been different. I wish I'd be getting ready to hold my little one, instead of feeling so empty. And it sucks!


Anonymous said...

Kari..virtual Hugs for you and Steven (((*)))...I'm sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine your pain and heartache. I know this may not make you feel any better but I think God has another plan for you too. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Stacey Weller said...

Kari, I still celebrate Feb. 18, 1998 and April 20, 2007 every single year and I have felt the same way you do on more than one occasion. It comes and goes. Be brave and know you will see him/her again. I put an ornament up for them each year, I have a little private thing I do each year on the date, and I talk to Jon. I use to feel like others just saw it as a "missed pregnancy" and they never gave it another thought and that hurt, but now I don't get upset because I realize the baby wasn't in them. It was in me. I love you. -Stacey
PS. We are not alone in the missing them, but I do know they are in the arms of Jesus. Still I wish they were in mine.